Cinema Thieves
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: For the first time ever, two episodes of Thank You, Heavenly on the same night to celebrate the NBA All-Star Game. RK tries to stick it to the movie industry by sneaking into RoboCop with the guys. However, it's a lot more complicated than it looks like on paper.
1. Cinema Thieves Script

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 2

EPISODE 16

Airdate: February 16, 2014

Title: Cinema Thieves (Part 1 of the All-Star Doubleheader)

Segway Segment: RoundTable ("Is the Subway commercial a sign of Cimorelli selling out?")

Satire/Social Commentary: Lack of quality service in the movie industry (underlying theme)

Special Guest Stars: Dan Frischman as Mr. Barker

IN LOVING MEMORY OF SHIRLEY TEMPLE

1928-2014

AMERICA'S MOST IMPORTANT CHILD STAR OF ALL-TIME

SCENE 1

Regal Meridian 16

Interior Concession Stand

Seattle, Washington

Testicular Sound Express is out to see a movie.

RK: I hate the movies. It's just a way for these corporate punks to lure you into their trap so they can steal your hard-earned money.

JAYLYNN: RK, we all get our money from the government.

RK: Yeah, but lately, I've been drinking rum with Coke and...um, I've kind of found a freelance job getting money. I'll tell you about it sometime.

JAYLYNN: Sure thing, buddy?

SPARKY: I don't know why you hold such a grudge against movie theaters anyway. I love this place. My dad used to take me here all the time when I was younger.

WADE: You know, when I was younger, my dad used to stand dangerously close to me. And whenever I asked him about it, he said...

(bored) CASHIER: Welcome to Regal Meridian 16. How may I help you today?

RK: See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. These movie devils sound like they're at a wake.

(to Wade) BUSTER: Tell me later about that dad story.

CASHIER: We offer three kinds of shitty services: Moderately shitty, normally shitty, and super shitty.

SPARKY: How's your patience today, RK?

RK: A little high, but I don't want anything to bring me down. Try moderately shitty.

SPARKY: Moderately shitty, please?

(Later on, the five are walking into the theater)

WADE: What movie are we watching?

SPARKY: Um, I picked at random. _Ride Along?_

BUSTER: Cool, I love Kevin Hart!

RK: I just hope this turns out better than the last time we went to the movies.

CUTAWAY GAG

RK's seat is constantly being kicked by a younger kid.

RK: Stop it, asswipe.

SPARKY: RK, just ignore it.

RK: He's been doing this for eight minutes, I'm sick of it!

BUSTER: I can think of plenty of things you could've done in a theater in eight minutes. Just ask Pee-wee Herman.

(the kicking continues)

RK: Stop it before I slaughter you!

SPARKY: RK!

JAYLYNN: Dude, quit causing a scene.

RK: Are you his mother?

MOM: Yes.

RK: Can you tell your son to have a little courtesy for someone other than himself and to stop kicking my damn seat?

MOM: Billy, please stop kicking this boy's seat.

RK: Thank God.

BILLY: Yeah, when Hell freezes over.

RK: You won't live long enough to see Hell freeze over, jackass!

BILLY: You look gay!

RK: I'm bisexual, and if you keep talking, I'll bust you open!

BILLY: That's not what your mom said. P.S, her tits suck!

MOM: BILLY!

RK: My mom's tits are awesome!

SPARKY, BUSTER, WADE, AND JAYLYNN: RK!

RK: What? I can prove it!

END OF CUTAWAY

SCENE 2

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Testicular Sound Express is coming back from the movies.

WADE: Buster, it's not important.

BUSTER: I'm sorry, I just don't understand why we're all coming back here at night. Is anyone else going to acknowledge that?

SPARKY: Probably not.

RK: That movie sucked. Kevin Hart could be way funnier than that.

JAYLYNN: Why do you have to be such a whiny dick about movies?

RK: Because it annoys me! Shelling out all that cash money just to see lackluster films and eat expensive snacks. I can buy Skittles at the corner store for less than half of what they're charging!

WADE: Somehow, I feel like I should be in this role.

BUSTER: You too?

RK: I just wish there was some way I could get back at the movie industry for their crimes against humanity.

(RK sees a commercial for the remake of _RoboCop_)

RK: Dude, we HAVE to see that movie!

SPARKY: Look who's talking, Mr. I Hate Movie Theaters and Such. We just went to the movies, going again would be weird.

WADE: Weird doesn't apply to RK Jennings.

(RK growls at Wade, who rolls his eyes)

JAYLYNN: Sparky's right. Besides, you're going to turn the other cheek just because you want to see some dumb movie?

RK: It's not dumb, Huie! The original _RoboCop _in 1987 is one of my favorite movies! It's a treasure! I also imagine myself doing the PSA that Peter Weller did in 1990. It takes a massive crap on the police-sponsored garbage they came up with for the remake.

BUSTER: I don't know, I liked it.

SPARKY: RK, if you want to go see the movie on your own time, that's fine, but I'm really not into going to the cinema more than once a week.

JAYLYNN: Me neither. Going in public too many times makes me feel like The Undertaker sans the smoking hot wife and the constant need for recuperation.

RK: You guys are abandoning me again? Oh, that is so like you to bail out.

WADE: What? We've supported you in a lot of your endeavors.

RK: Well, what about the time I was nearly eaten alive by wolves and all you guys cared about was watching _Scandal?_

SPARKY: RK, remember? That was a nightmare.

RK: But I'm pretty sure I...

SPARKY: IT WAS A NIGHTMARE! And since when have I ever been a fan of _Scandal?_

(long pause)

RK: You win this round, Alex Mack.

(Sparky angrily stares at RK)

SCENE 3

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK: It's kind of interesting how you came to see me, Wade.

WADE: Well, we are be...b-b-best...

RK: Best friends?

WADE: I don't know, maybe. Anyway, I know things didn't work out yesterday, but I really respect you for fighting the movie industry. I can't remember the last time you were so intellectual.

RK: I think I underrate myself on that, but I don't know why. And thank you. But you know what? It's OK.

WADE: Why?

RK: Well, let me tell you what happened last night after I went home. I was so pissed off that no one wanted to join me to see _RoboCop_, I said a couple expletives, threw some chairs, woke up KG, then I yelled at him and I smacked him up a couple times. Then when I went to bed, I realized that I need to call my therapist again to deal with my apparent sociopathic nature...

WADE: Is this going anywhere?

RK: OK, I was sort of hoping to turn this into an after-school special. I mean, I still need to deal with my sociopathy, but I guess that's not the central theme of what I'm trying to get across here. Anyway, when I was in bed, I came up with a surefire way to accomplish two of my goals at the same time: See _RoboCop, _and stick it to movie theaters.

WADE: How are you gonna do that?

RK: With you guys' help, we're going to steal the movie.

(long pause)

WADE: Dude, you have to be kidding me. I am NOT going to sneak into _RoboCop._

RK: Oh, come on, we're practically brothers! Who do you think gave you eternal life after you were killed by that milk truck?

(Wade stares at RK, bored)

RK: OK, I made that up. But I can't steal the movie alone. It's no fun. And you're going to help me.

WADE: Stealing movies is morally unethical, as well as illegal!

RK: Oh, you're such a wet blanket. I'm sure when I tell everyone else, they'll flip for the idea.

Later on, everybody in Testicular Sound Express is at RK's house.

SPARKY: That idea's terrible.

WADE: Guess they didn't flip, huh?

RK: I don't see what the big deal is. We bring our own refreshments, walk into the cinema all nonchalant, we sneak into the theater when nobody's looking, enjoy _RoboCop, _and that's that.

BUSTER: I didn't even like the first _RoboCop._

JAYLYNN: RK, are you really doing this to make a statement, or simply because you're a cheapskate?

RK: Hey, I am not a cheapskate. That's why we have stereotypical Jewish people.

SPARKY: RK, think of all the consequences that can come from something like that: Jail time, your parents might never talk to you again, banishment from Regal Meridian.

RK: I can handle myself in jail. Kids can't even produce at my age, so I'll drop the soap and they can't do a thing about it.

SPARKY: Well, you can count me out.

(long pause)

WADE: I'll do it.

SPARKY, BUSTER, AND JAYLYNN: WHAT?!

RK: He said he'll do it, you deaf?

SPARKY: But why?

WADE: Look, RK is a loose cannon and a spaz, but I'm not letting him go down the rump alone. If he's really going to put himself on the line like this, I'm doing the same.

BUSTER: So am I. Even though I'm scared at the prospect of jail, this could actually be fun.

JAYLYNN: And I don't have anything better to do, so I guess I'll join too.

RK: Oh, so now you guys are just playing follow the leader?

BUSTER: I thought about it, and I actually want to do it.

JAYLYNN: I'm kind of playing follow the leader, sorry.

RK: Well, three partners in crime are enough. We're stealing the movie.

SPARKY: Well, I guess this isn't the worst idea RK's had.

(long pause; everyone stares at Sparky, expecting him to set up a cutaway)

SPARKY: What?

JAYLYNN: You're just going to leave us hanging?

SPARKY: What are you talking about? I finished my statement.

WADE: You were going to set up a joke there, why did you stop?

SPARKY: I don't know why I have to set up a joke for every situation. But I guess. Well, this isn't the worst idea RK's had. Like...like that time he...paid those...zoo monkeys to sing "Baba O'Riley" in German.

(long pause)

BUSTER: That was a horrible joke.

RK: And I don't even listen to The Who.

SPARKY: You know what? Let's just agree to disagree.

SCENE 4

Regal Meridian 16

Interior Theater Entrance

Seattle, Washington

RK: OK, guys. Let's do this thing.

(The four try to sneak in when the usher sees them)

USHER: Hold up. I need to see your tickets, please.

RK: Yeah, we don't have them.

USHER: Well, I'm afraid you can't see the movie, I'm sorry.

WADE: The usher. Our only weakness.

BUSTER: Look, let's just go home.

(Jaylynn gives the usher a DDT)

RK: JAYLYNN, HAVE YOU GONE BATSHIT?!

JAYLYNN: You wanted to stick it to the establishment, well we're going to stick it. Come on!

(The four walk into the theater)

RK: Well, it looks like Jaylynn was a great acquisition for the team.

BUSTER: Yes, nice work.

WADE: If only she wasn't lesbian.

(The four sit down to take their seats: Jaylynn, RK, Buster, Wade. That's the, um, the formation of how they sit.)

RK: Well, this was a great victory. A victory against corporate greed. Four little old fourth-graders giving the man what for!

WADE: Don't oversell this, RK. This whole mission was predicated on luck.

RK: Hey Jaylynn, I thought you didn't like wrestling. How do you know how to do the DDT?

JAYLYNN: Sparky taught me some moves in case I really needed to use them one day.

RK: Ah, Sparky's one hell of a guy. Too bad he didn't join us.

BUSTER: Oh my science. It just dawned on me.

WADE: What? That _Breadwinners _is actually going to be a thing? Because...when you really think about it, that crap is going to be on the air pretty soon for no good reason. And nobody can do a damn thing to stop it.

BUSTER: No, not that, I've chosen to just ignore that show. I mean, it just dawned on me that we've stolen the movie. We snuck in!

WADE: Yeah, that's what we were planning to do. Sure, we got lucky, but...

BUSTER: Dude, you don't understand. If we get caught, we're going to prison. With all those big, strapping, hairy guys.

WADE: Buster, they're not going to put two nine-year-olds and two eight-year-olds in jail. Wait, guys, how old are you?

RK: I'm nine.

JAYLYNN: I'm pretty sure I'm ten.

WADE: See, you can never keep track of these things. Damn floating timeline screwing everything up.

BUSTER: Wade, this is serious! I think I made a mistake doing this! What if they catch us? They're probably going to send us to something really big like Alcatraz or Fort Knox. Or maybe they'll subject us to something like that Zimbardo experiment.

WADE: Buster, will you calm down, please? We snuck in, there's no turning back. And I gave RK my word that I'm doing this.

BUSTER: Why? You two are best friends?

WADE: I...don't...know.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, before our scheduled film, please enjoy these court-ordered public service announcements. To keep you little rascals from stealing movies.

(RK and Jaylynn laugh)

RK: He's talking about us.

BUSTER: Wade?

WADE: Yes, I'm on edge now.

(Cory and Shawn from _Boy Meets World_ show up on the screen. Albeit, they're much older now. The scene is John Adams High School.)

CORY: Wow, Feeny's class was a killer.

SHAWN: More than usual. Feudalism is going to be the death of me.

JAYLYNN: I can't believe they actually got Ben Savage and Rider Strong for this.

RK: I think it's to promote that new show on Disney Channel.

JAYLYNN: What's it about?

RK: I don't know. Something about Topanga wanting a divorce?

SHAWN: I don't know about you, but I need to do something crazy tonight. Let's sneak into a movie, any movie.

CORY: Shawn, you really want to steal a movie?

SHAWN: Yeah, why not? Teenagers do it all the time.

CORY: Yes, but when you steal movies, you're taking away the hard work of people who worked on the movie. They need to get paid somehow.

SHAWN: Yeah, but two kids not paying for the movie isn't going to damage all that hard work.

CORY: Really, Shawn? Did you know that in the past twenty years, teenage movie theft has increased by 46%? And one out of every five kids are going to steal a movie before their 18th birthday?

(long pause)

SHAWN: I never thought about it like that. You know what? I'm not going to steal the movie.

(Cory smiles)

CORY: I'm Ben Savage.

SHAWN: And I'm Rider Strong reminding you...

CORY AND SHAWN: To never steal movies!

JAYLYNN: That was horrible. Absolutely horrible.

RK: Do they really think someone's going to fall for this schlock?

(crying) WADE: That was beautiful.

BUSTER: I feel like a criminal.

WADE: Oh no! Another one!

(A man is in jail playing the harmonica while his bunk mate is on the upper bunk bed)

HARMONICA MAN: What are you in for?

BUNK MATE: Killed a family, robbed two liquor stores and later drove drunk. Got three years. One to be eligible for parole. What about you?

HARMONICA MAN: Got eight years. Five to be eligible for parole.

BUNK MATE: What the hell did you do?

HARMONICA MAN: I stole a movie.

BUNK MATE: Dude, they should give you harder time for that. Do you know how serious that is to sneak into a movie? What, you didn't think about your family, your friends? How they would feel if they found out you were a movie thief? Scumbags like you deserve jail.

HARMONICA MAN: It was a (bleep) movie! You killed a family, robbed two liquor stores and drove drunk!

BUNK MATE: Don't try to patronize me! You're the one who needs to think about why you felt the need to steal that movie! Jerk.

(to the camera) HARMONICA MAN: I took a huge risk stealing movies. Don't do the same. Please don't steal movies.

WADE: WE'RE GOING TO JAIL!

RK: Wade, relax, we're not going to jail for stealing movies.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, they just put that crap in to scare you.

WADE: Are you...are you sure?

RK: Positive. And as long as we stay together and not reveal anything that happened today, we're in the clear and Sparky will be eating crow tonight.

(having stood up and facing the rest of the moviegoers) BUSTER: WE STOLE THE MOVIE! WE SNUCK IN WHEN THE USHER WAS BEATEN UP BY MY FRIEND! WE...SNUCK IN...TO THE MOVIE! WE...SNUCK IN...TO THE MOVIE! WE...SNUCK IN...TO THE MOVIE!

RK AND JAYLYNN: BUSTER!

BUSTER: I'm sorry, RK. We're still friends, right? I'M SORRY!

(The oh-oh-ohhhhhhh-oh from the _Big Time Rush _theme song plays in the background while Buster and Wade continue to cry, and an angry RK stares at Jaylynn)

SEGWAY SEGMENT

JAYLYNN: Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Jaylynn Michelle Huie and this is another edition of RoundTable. This question is something all four of you have been thinking about for weeks, and now it's time to answer it: "Do you think Cimorelli's Subway commercial is selling out?"

SPARKY: I won the arm wrestling tournament, so I have the floor first.

RK: I really thought that was mine.

SPARKY: In my mind, I don't think it's selling out. I mean, I know Cimorelli has made a living off of the Internet for seven years, but that's just it. These girls have cut their teeth, busted their asses trying to get an audience, any type of following. Last year was the year that their visibility increased. And look at that: Most people still don't know who they are. Most people, unless you follow Cimorelli, don't even know they ever did a Subway commercial. I feel like if you're a true fan of these girls, you should be proud of them. All they've done for years is work hard to get to this level. They're moving up in the world and I'm happy for them. This Subway commercial is not selling out.

BUSTER: I would like to repeat what Sparky just said about the commercial being under the radar. It's only online, and unless you're a fan of Cimorelli, chances are you won't know the commercial exists. Subway isn't even advertising Cimorelli's endorsement of the Fritos Chicken Enchilada Melt. It's just some little promotional thing the group's publicists around. Plus, it might get them a couple new fans so if they're sellouts to you, you were never meant to be a fan of them.

RK: I'm supportive of the commercial, but I'm worried Cimorelli is going to change if they do more stuff like this. I mean, think about it. Cimorelli is only going to go up after this. Their popularity can only increase at this point. I think the release of "Made in America" marked a turning point for them. I mean, people weren't giving Cimorelli a second thought before the song, and once it dropped, that's when the group became valuable. I want to feel like Cimorelli is still relatable for a little longer.

WADE: I hated the commercial. Thought it was really corny.

RK: Well, are you of the belief that they're sellouts?

WADE: No, but the commercial was lame. I like how they got their big break, but it felt too much like a commercial for Cimorelli.

RK: I think that's the point. That's why I like Cimorelli. They don't feel like celebrities endorsing a product. They feel like the girls from across the street who spend hours on their music and write songs about things that happen in their life. That's why I hope this commercial is a sign of how relatable they are, not them just blindly endorsing things for the sake of money.

JAYLYNN: We'll be back next week with more RoundTable. Or not, who knows?

SCENE 5

Regal Meridian 16

Interior Mr. Barker's Office

Seattle, Washington

The kids have all been sent to Mr. Barker's office by theater security.

(long pause)

RK: Buster?

BUSTER: Yes?

RK: I'm only going to say this once because I feel humiliated and enraged. Why in God's name did you tell everyone THAT WE STOLE THE MOVIE?!

BUSTER: Because I'm not going to jail for sneaking into a movie. They can't do this to me! I'm nine years old! I'm cute! They make statues of people like me!

JAYLYNN: Buster, you're just a victim of scare tactics. Corporations have been using tricks like this for years.

RK: Yeah, you were so scared of what happened, you let fear cloud your judgment and you ruined everything!

WADE: Hey, get off Buster's rag! He did the right thing. I'm not going to become a criminal just because you hide your cheapskate M.O. behind anti-establishment propaganda.

RK: Oh, that's rich. In fact, it's so rich, it has more value than Donald Trump! Dick.

(Mr. Barker takes his seat, having entered the office)

MR. BARKER: You know, when they told me that four little kids snuck into _RoboCop_, I was a pretty skeptical man. Looks like I had to see it to believe it.

RK: Look, Mr. Barker, I know what we did was wrong, but you can't give us any major punishment.

MR. BARKER: Oh yeah, I shouldn't. It's always about what the kids want, isn't it? We should just drop everything and pretend nothing happened. Well, we can't! Because you children tarnished the legacy of this theater with your purloining!

(RK, Jaylynn, and Buster look at each other)

(throwing their hands up in the air in confusion) RK, JAYLYNN, AND BUSTER: Purloining?

(laugh track)

WADE: Purloin means to steal.

MR. BARKER: Exactly. My grandfather opened this multiplex many years ago. It was a much simpler time. And he believed people who stole movies should be locked away for life with no parole. He pried himself on morals and ethics. That's what he taught my father, and that's what my father taught me. Movies deserve to be paid for, no matter how terrible they are! Even that abomination of a movie called _Bratz. _(Mr. Barker shudders in fear)

BUSTER: Look, we're really sorry for stealing the movie. I, for one, will never do something like this again.

WADE: I'll drink to that.

RK: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're all shaken up by this horrible tragedy. When's our trial?

MR. BARKER: You guys aren't going to jail.

RK: Juvenile hall?

MR. BARKER: No.

RK: Cleveland?

MR. BARKER: No.

RK: 1995?

WADE: WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, DAMMIT!

MR. BARKER: Exactly. You kids know why our theaters have those public service announcements?

JAYLYNN: Because the court forced them on you?

MR. BARKER: That's only half the story. We have to keep people from doing the wrong thing so we exaggerate the severity of the offense.

JAYLYNN: That's scare tactics!

RK: Exactly.

MR. BARKER: Well, your friends were sure scared out of their socks and shoes.

WADE: That's not cool, man! Corporate jackasses!

BUSTER: Yeah, but I'm never stealing movies again.

MR. BARKER: Good. Now, is there anyone I need to call to pick you guys up?

RK: Our friend Sparky. I'll give you the number.

JAYLYNN: Why don't you just call KG?

RK: He gets really high at this hour and he barely even knows what the hell is going on when he does.

JAYLYNN: Oh yeah, he does. He told me last night.

(long pause)

RK: Once again, please don't steal my brother like you stole _RoboCop._

(Jaylynn angrily stares at RK)

SCENE 6

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky is bringing the kids into his house.

BUSTER: You know, Mr. Barker sounds like he was on some show in the 90s. Do you think it was _All That?_

WADE: You're in the ballpark, but I don't think he was on THAT show.

SPARKY: Well, how about that? I had to wrangle up the cinema thieves. The movie marauders. The theater thugs. The _RoboCop _ragamuffins.

RK: We get it. What did you do, write all those crappy nicknames down on a piece of paper?

SPARKY: No, it was a Post-it. And I worked really hard so you better respect that.

JAYLYNN: I can't believe we got in trouble for stealing a movie. Nice going, Buster.

BUSTER: They tricked us! And even then, it's a good thing they did! I'm not getting my hands dirty just so you can get your sick kicks. Don't you know what happened to Harmonica Man?

JAYLYNN: That was a PSA, dumbass.

BUSTER: Well, it was created to ensure the safety of American kids like me. And I suggest you deal with it.

SPARKY: How did you guys get caught anyway?

RK: I think Buster was working on a book report, and...Wade had the sniffles. And Jaylynn ate a bologna sandwich, a Ho-Ho, and drank a glass of milk. Then I came over and suggested we steal the movie. Then Buster and Wade were acting like a bag of dicks because they kept singing along to the _Pink Panther _cartoon. Meanwhile, you didn't want to go because you were too busy playing hockey with Halley and Ashley, you uncaring son of a bitch.

(long pause)

SPARKY: RK, you didn't tell me anything. You just referenced the _Full House _episode "Sisters in Crime."

RK: Are you sure? I could remember us doing something like that.

WADE: Why do you always pull that mindless crap?

RK: What mindless crap?

WADE: Make dated references to the past generation like that's actually supposed to help anybody?

RK: Because I hate this generation. I prefer not to live in it and I hardly know anyone who does. Besides, it's a defense mechanism that keeps me from answering questions I don't wanna answer.

WADE: Well, it's a stupid defense mechanism.

RK: Watch who you're talking to or else you'll get smacked up, Saltalamacchia.

WADE: Boy, I'm not scared of you. And it was a stupid idea to sneak into the movie anyway.

RK: Today marked a major victory for the common man, the little guy, the average Joe who you talk to at the water cooler each day and then spit on his shoes for no good reason. We're advancing a struggle here, Wade.

WADE: You're advancing a struggle by acting like Mr. Krabs. That's not much of a victory in my eyes.

JAYLYNN: You're the one who was so scared of going to jail when you were the first one to have RK's back.

WADE: You only joined up because you wanted to play follow the leader! Even IF I went back on my word, at least I had a legitimate reason to do this in the first place!

JAYLYNN: Yeah, at first I was just doing it because I needed something to do. But RK's right. We took a stand today! Did you know they charge $3.25 for a pack of Skittles? And 58% of moviegoers across the country complained of poor customer service last year?

(bored) WADE: And did YOU know that according to recent Gallup polls, 1 in 12 middle fingers suggest I don't give a (bleep)?

RK: Wade, don't talk to Jaylynn like that. She has a reasonable head in this scenario.

BUSTER: No, she doesn't! Wade and I were right. We saved us all the trouble of following you along on another one of your crackpot schemes!

RK: Well, if that's how you feel, maybe we shouldn't be friends.

BUSTER: Well, that's just dandy. Maybe we shouldn't be.

WADE: One thing's for sure: You two are crazy. Buster had the right idea. We shouldn't have stolen the movie in the first place.

JAYLYNN: RK had the right idea. We could've gotten away with it if it wasn't for you close-minded squares!

SPARKY: Um, guys? I don't want to interrupt your blatant attempts to stir the pot, but it's going to be late so I...

BUSTER: You know what, that's perfectly fine, Sparks. Come on, Wade. Let's head down to my condo without these lallafral.

WADE: And for you misinformed cretins, lallafral means "uneducated simpletons."

BUSTER: Yeah!

(Buster and Wade leave Sparky's home)

RK: We don't need those slackjawed mouth-breathers! Jaylynn and I will be heading to our place. We can get high with KG and do...other things you won't remember until you hit junior high.

JAYLYNN: Yes to the weed, no to those other things.

(RK and Jaylynn leave Sparky's home)

SPARKY: What in the name of Zeus and Hades just happened?

BITCH CLOCK: I think your friends just broke up. It's like what LaToya Jackson tried to do, just without all the violence.

SPARKY: I can't believe this. They all steal a movie and then turn against each other. I need to find out what happened. I can't imagine anything worse than my friends fighting.

BITCH CLOCK: Oh, come on, there are plenty of worse things than your friends fighting.

SPARKY: Name one.

BITCH CLOCK:...You could watch movies with Robert De Niro.

CUTAWAY GAG

SPARKY: This is going to be great.

ROBERT DE NIRO: Spoiler alert: Everybody dies.

(Sparky angrily stares at Robert)

END OF CUTAWAY

BITCH CLOCK: Or you could watch movies with Eminem.

CUTAWAY GAG

SPARKY: Screw it, I'm buying cupcakes from the bakery after this.

(long pause)

EMINEM: I love cupcakes.

(long pause)

SPARKY: You scare me, man.

END OF CUTAWAY

SCENE 7

Space Needle Diner

Interior Booth

Seattle, Washington

("Talkin' All That Jazz" by Stetsasonic playing in the diner)

All five friends are sharing a booth. Buster and Wade are on Sparky's side, while RK and Jaylynn are on the other side.

(long pause)

SPARKY: It, um...it was really cool how you guys remembered Sunday breakfast.

BUSTER: Of course. How can us (staring at an angry RK and Jaylynn) SUPERIOR friends forget?

JAYLYNN: Asshole.

(long pause)

RK: Sparky, since I'm not talking to Buster or Wade, could you please tell Wade to pass the grape jelly?

SPARKY: Sigh. Wade, could you please pass RK the grape jelly?

WADE: I'll pass him the grape jelly when he bends over and turns his back so I can stick it up his ass.

SPARKY: RK, he said he'll do it when you bend over and turn your back so he can stick it up your ass.

RK: Jaylynn, please tell Sparky I just want my pancakes to be happy at the prospect of grape jelly.

JAYLYNN: RK, you're ignoring Buster and Wade, not Sparky.

RK: Sparky, tell Jaylynn she deserves extra chocolate chip waffles for pointing that out.

JAYLYNN: RK, you're not NOT talking to me and I heard what you just said.

RK: Buster, tell Jaylynn to get off my rag!

SPARKY: RK, Buster and Wade are the ones you're ignoring.

RK: SHUT UP, WADE! Wait, what?

SPARKY: This is absolutely stupid. Are you guys really arguing over a movie?

JAYLYNN: Sparky, it's the principle of the thing. You need to understand that Buster and Wade are so close-minded, they actually think stealing movies is a federal crime.

BUSTER: It is!

SPARKY: Well, I wasn't there to actually see what happened, but I just feel like you guys need something to fight about. Especially RK and Wade. Lord knows they're the most argumentative people in the world. Seriously, you guys should go into politics with all your mudslinging, you'll fit right in.

RK: I don't need to take this from you, Arnold! Come on Jaylynn, let's roll!

JAYLYNN: Do we have to? These waffles are REALLY good.

RK: OK, fine, stay. Do you need a ride home?

JAYLYNN: No, I'm good. I took the bus here.

RK: Oh, well, I'm just going to drive home and keep talking in this hushed tone. See ya, Sparky.

(RK takes his jacket from the coat rack and leaves the diner)

SPARKY: You guys are being really stubborn. Can't we all just get along and go back to the way things were?

JAYLYNN: Definitely not, Sparky. Buster and Wade are so damn scared of the world around them, they probably don't even know what it means to make a statement.

WADE: Jaylynn, we're right across from you, we heard what you just said.

JAYLYNN: I know. Which is why I made sure you two heard it.

(long pause)

BUSTER: Bitch.

(Sparky and Jaylynn widen their eyes at Buster while Wade snickers)

SCENE 8

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

SPARKY: This is awful. What if Buster, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn never make up?

BITCH CLOCK: They'll become a bunch of bitter, pathetic geezers reminiscing over the glory days they never had while you work out their burial plots.

(long pause)

SPARKY: Dude, that's...that's morbid.

BITCH CLOCK: I know, I know. It happened to a friend of mine. He and this other guy did everything together. They had plans to go to college and date white girls who weren't that smart, but knew how to give you what you wanted. One day, they had this big argument, and now all they do is ignore each other.

SPARKY: What was the argument about anyway?

BITCH CLOCK: Based on what my friend told me, it had to do with getting the wrong type of condoms for him and his buddy.

SPARKY: They had a fallout over condoms?

BITCH CLOCK: Stupid, right? But that's what happens when you have friends with no direction. I wasn't able to fix things, but if I were you, I would do all I can to keep the band from splitting. Before things get worse.

SPARKY: I guess so. But I'm going to sleep on it. My dreams are usually reliant on events in my life for some weird reason.

SCENE 9

The MacDougal Household

Interior Sparky's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky is tossing and turning in his sleep)

SPARKY: No...No, guys!

(The screen gets blurry and now we're in Sparky's dream. It's a retirement home called Oak Pine Acres (with a sign that says "Why Become Old Garbage In Your Family's Presence?" Everybody in Testicular Sound Express has gray hair and significant wrinkles on their throats. Actually, since Wade is black, he has no wrinkles. They all have bags in their eyes and they look almost shut. All of them are sitting on recliners, with the exception of RK, who's in a wheelchair. For some reason, he was spared his mohawk by age.

BUSTER: Why did...why did we get the same retirement home if we all hate each other?

RK: WHAT?!

BUSTER: I said...why did we get the same retirement home if we all hate each other?

JAYLYNN: Buster, you old coot. You're asking that question after three years of living here with us? How slow can you get?

BUSTER: Give me back my prune juice, you rapscallion!

JAYLYNN: I didn't know you could even see me take it.

BUSTER: I always know when someone has their Vienna sausage fingers on my beloved juice!

RK: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU GUYS ARE SAYING!

WADE: Turn on your hearing aid, Grandpa!

RK: WHAT?!

WADE: TURN ON YOUR GOT-DAMN HEARING AID!

RK: THEY'RE SELLING CHOCOLATE?!

WADE: Fine, I'll do it, hold still.

(Wade turns on RK's hearing aid)

RK: Thank you, sonny. You know, ever since the motorcycle accident, my awareness has gone down. I can't even make references anymore without having to...(RK starts snoring)

WADE: You know, if he hadn't stolen that movie, they wouldn't have put it on my permanent record. I could've went to Harvard like I always wanted. But then I had to settle for Yale. Punks.

SPARKY: Could you guys stop with the arguing about the movie? It's been 69 years, you're pathetic!

BUSTER: Ah, the number 69 has brought me so many good times.

JAYLYNN: You're disgusting.

BUSTER: And you're ugly, that's why it was so easy to steal your girlfriend in college. And I had hella fun with her, believe me.

JAYLYNN: I have more game in my yellow toenails than you do in your collection of false teeth.

BUSTER: No way, even my false teeth have more game than you. Get it? BECAUSE THEY'RE INSIDE ME! (Buster starts laughing and his false teeth comes out)

SPARKY: Where did I go wrong with my life?

(The dream sequence ends as Sparky wakes up in the middle of the night)

SPARKY: Bitch Clock's right. I can't let these guys continue this stupidity any more! I'm going to do something about this.

("Pot of Gold" by The Game featuring Chris Brown playing in the background)

It's late at night, but Sparky doesn't care. He decides to write four letters, one to each of the guys. It just says, "I need your help. You're one of the best friends I can count on for this job. Bring your new partner with you. Sincerely, Sparky." Sparky then leaves his house and walks to the houses of each member of Testicular Sound Express to deliver the letters. It's important to point out that Buster's condo is only two blocks away from Sparky's house, while Jaylynn's house is the farthest away from anyone in TSE. Sparky then walks back into his house and smiles as he shuts the door.

SCENE 10

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Buster and Wade have already arrived)

SPARKY: I hope RK and Jaylynn got their letters.

WADE: What did you say?

SPARKY: Oh, nothing. You know me. Always smoking that crack.

(Wade stares at Sparky confusingly)

BUSTER: Sparky, why are there four glasses of lemonade here? Not that I'm complaining, because I won't say no to seconds.

WADE: Yeah, Sparky. Why ARE there four glasses here? Care to explain?

SPARKY: Your sarcasm is very off-putting in ways I can't understand.

(RK and Jaylynn walk into Sparky's home)

RK: Sorry, Jaylynn. I forgot I don't smoke weed, I take mushrooms.

JAYLYNN: It's OK. Hey, what are Starsky and Hutch doing here?

BUSTER: I was about to ask what Bert and Ernie are doing here too.

RK: Why did you invite all of us, Sparky?

(long pause; Sparky doesn't know what to say)

(in the kitchen) BITCH CLOCK: Well, Sparky, are you just going to stand there like a halfwit, mouth agape? Or are you going to explain why you invited all of them here?

SPARKY: SHUT UP, I GOT TONGUE-TIED! But I invited you all here because this ridiculous fighting is making me sick! You guys are really great friends. We're ALL really great friends. We need to get to the root of the problem so we can take it from there and solve this argument reasonably. I mean, come on now. Is this really about stealing movies?

WADE: Of course it is. Buster made the right decision to get us out of that theater and make us take responsibility for what we did. I couldn't live with a guilty conscience.

RK: Guilty conscience? Wade, you were the first one to join me in sticking it to the establishment. You backed me up. You said you were going down the rump with me. And all of a sudden, you team up with Buster because of some stupid PSAs. How do you think I felt?

WADE: RK, this isn't a homosexual relationship. I admit it, I went back on my word and I'm really sorry for that. I should've realized I couldn't handle it. But I'm not your boyfriend, RK. I don't need to placate you 24/7.

RK: You COULD be my boyfriend.

WADE: What?

RK: I don't know. But I don't want you to think you should placate me. A friendship is just like a relationship, but people are too scared and misguided to point that out. In this situation, it's our job to nurture the friendship to help it succeed. And then we use each other somewhere along the line to help compensate for all our failures in the world. Because that's what good friends do.

WADE: Look, I think I know what this is really about. This isn't about the movie. This isn't about Buster or Jaylynn. Hell, this isn't even about you being a radical to mask your cheapskate ways. This is about Ashley.

RK: What? Are you high?

JAYLYNN: Somewhat.

RK: I know YOU'RE high.

JAYLYNN: Oh, OK.

WADE: I'm not high. It makes perfect sense.

RK: What does Ashley Rodriguez have to do with sneaking into _RoboCop_?

WADE: RK, for the past three months, all you've done is talk about Ashley, think about Ashley, fantasize about Ashley. You treated that girl like an angel, a goddess. Like she was the sexiest, most amazing girl you've ever met. Then once you two stop being friends, you start going on a political rant about movie theaters. It doesn't make any sense. RK, you're the kind of guy that constantly needs something to fill up your time. You're not the type of person to just sit around and enjoy what you already have. You're always looking for the next big challenge. Now that Ashley's gone, you're just going to focus on something else.

RK: What's wrong with that?

WADE: Nothing. But this stealing movies thing doesn't make any sense. It's so out of left field, even for you. Face it: Without Ashley, you need to occupy yourself with something else because you can't get over her!

RK: Shut up! How do you sit there and evaluate me like you're constantly in my head?

WADE: Because I'm your best friend, dammit! I know you better than you know yourself!

(long pause)

RK: Oh my God. Wade...you're right. You're 100% right. All this time, I...I really thought I was doing this to take a stand. But I love Ashley like crazy and now that we're not friends, I need something to fill that void. For weeks, everything has just been getting worse and worse for me. I stop being friends with Ashley, the weather is making me depressed, I...I can't do this, man!

(RK gets hugged by Wade and he starts crying)

BUSTER: I feel like a total asshole for saying this, but this proves that RK is the most entertaining person in the group.

(Sparky and Jaylynn angrily stare at Buster)

BUSTER: What?

SCENE 11

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

(Testicular Sound Express is sitting together)

SPARKY: Well, I'm glad that's over.

BUSTER: What is? We weren't having a conversation.

(long pause)

SPARKY: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought...we already established that. I mean, the whole stealing movies thing.

BUSTER: Oh yeah, that was terrible.

JAYLYNN: Buster, I acted like an absolute jackass in that situation and I said a lot of mean things. Forgive me?

BUSTER: Of course, Jay. And I'm really sorry for causing a scene at the movies and ruining the whole thing.

JAYLYNN: That's OK. Besides, we realized it really wasn't about us.

BUSTER: Yup.

SPARKY: RK, how are you doing now?

RK: Well, right now, it looks like I still have some demons to work out, so for the next couple weeks, I'm going to see a therapist. Hopefully, he helps me realize why things have been so hard for me lately. I'm the only kid I know with depression.

WADE: Wasn't that because of Ashley?

RK: Kind of, but I just can't help but feel like there's more to it than just that.

JAYLYNN: That kind of devalues the conversation from yesterday, doesn't it?

RK: Not THAT much.

BUSTER: Sparky, is it normal for a kid RK's age to be depressed?

SPARKY: That depends. Are you asking me that seriously or are you just trying to transition into a weird, nonsensical question?

(long pause)

BUSTER: Whatever happened to the jingle for Casa De Pancakes?

(Sparky looks at an emotionless Buster, bored; exterior shot of the school while the jingle for Casa De Pancakes plays in the background to end the episode)

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("Devour" by Shinedown playing in the end credits)

©2014 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

STAY TUNED - ANOTHER NEW THANK YOU, HEAVENLY COMING UP NEXT!


	2. Cinema Thieves Backstage Pass

PRODUCTION/CULTURAL REFERENCES

-This was one of three episodes in the "Viewer's Choice" campaign, with the winning episode airing on December 1. The other two were "The Bad Boys Club" and "Illuminati's For Idiots." "The Bad Boys Club" ended up winning the voting in a landslide.

-Dan Frischman (Mr. Barker) played Chris Potter on the Nickelodeon show _Kenan and Kel_, which ran from 1996-2000. This fact is lampshaded by Buster and Wade. The running gag from the show where Chris would say a word, then Kenan and Kel would repeat it in confusion while throwing their hands up was referenced.

-"Cinema Thieves" was inspired by the _Full House _episode "Sisters in Crime" and heavily inspired by _The Boondocks _episode "...Or Die Trying." Of course, both episodes are referenced.

-The original title was "Cinema Fiends," but the word "fiend" was used in the wrong context so it got changed.

-Mr. Barker was named after Mike Barker, co-creator of _American Dad _(the show was also created by _Family Guy _creator Seth MacFarlane and Matt Weitzman). Barker and Weitzman were part of _Family Guy_'s writing team for the first three seasons, then moved on to _American Dad _as co-showrunners. They handled the show's creative direction entirely. As of this writing, Barker no longer works on _ American Dad._

-The Casa De Pancakes jingle was taken from the _Full House _episode "Fogged In."

-The running gag of Buster pointing out things that don't make sense once again showed up in this episode.

-"Cinema Thieves" was dedicated to Shirley Temple, the child star best known for her role in films such as _Curly Top _and _Heidi_. Temple (85 at the time of her death) died of natural causes at her home in Woodside, California.

-I was stuck on a RoundTable topic for a while until I struck oil. As Cimorelli is slowly becoming more popular, their place in the mainstream is increasing and might change them. To this day, I'll never understand how they got the Subway commercial in the first place (I'm proud of them regardless).

-Originally, when Sparky wrote the letters, "What About Your Friends" by TLC played in the background.

-Bitch Clock's cutaway with Robert De Niro parodied De Niro's Santander Bank commercial, while the Eminem cutaway parodied the _Saturday Night Live _commercial the rapper filmed with Kerry Washington.

-When Buster tells Sparky that they weren't already having a conversation in the lunchroom, this parodies the familiar television trope of conversations being joined in progress. This was also referenced in the _Family Guy _episode "Call Girl."

-The diner miscommunication scene was a complete tribute to the kitchen scene in _The Simpsons _episode "Lisa the Vegetarian." RK was Homer, Sparky was Marge/Bart, Wade was Lisa, and Jaylynn was also Marge.

-RK's "freelance job" was implied to be prostitution.

-The influence _Family Guy _has had on _Thank You, Heavenly_ is notable when Sparky's normal statement is expected to lead into a cutaway by the others.

-"WE...SNUCK IN...TO THE MOVIE!" was a reference to the _Kenan & Kel _episode "The Tainting of the Screw," where Kel said "I...DROPPED THE SCREW...IN THE TUNA!"

-The term "lallafral" is a reference to the _Zoey 101 _episode "The Play."

-Wade breaks the fourth wall when he mentions the floating timeline of the show in the movie theater.


End file.
